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I have no idea what I’m doing, or am going to do, with my life.

Maybe it’s because of the fucking weather, I don’t know. Probably more because my charming mother just finished yelling at me, saying that I’m a fat lazy bitch who has no future. She demanded to know my university marks, and when I told her that I didn’t know what they were, nor when they would be up, called me a liar.

To be fair, I know my first semester marks already, but I’d rather have the entire set so I can weather the storm once instead of twice.

The thing about my mother is that when she really gets started, she rips into you from all directions. Originally, she was angry because I got angry at my brother’s repetitive teasing about my weight, and that she was supporting him, saying that it was only the truth. I said that even it if was the truth, I didn’t need to hear it endlessly (I gave up trying to explain the concept of self-esteem to her ages ago - all I got were either laughs or admonishments for my “ridiculous attention-seeking tactics”). At any rate, she said that everything was for my own good and that I should stop being so ungrateful. When she finished describing the ways I was an overweight pig, she proceeded to list all of the times that I had failed at things because I did not listen to her.

These were soft spots that still stung - my first relationship which brought down my marks, my second unrequited crush that also did some damage, and the resulting failure at getting into an Ivy League university.

She added that if I don’t do something fast, I’m going to end up in a dead-end job even with a bachelor’s degree, since the professional job market is so crappy. Also that with my work ethic (or lack thereof) there was no way I’d get into medical school. That I can keep doing what I’ve been doing and wake up one 40 years old one day and realize that I’ve wasted my life completely.

It’s not as if I haven’t heard all of this before. But for some reason, it hit me today just how right she was.

It’s also that much worse because I realized I actually have no idea what I want to do with my life. 

I’ve wanted to go into pediatrics for the longest time, since I was twelve, if I remember correctly. But after first year, I’m not sure if I want to pursue a Bachelor of Science at all. I hate physics and math. I can’t stand organic chemistry. I thought I liked and would at least do well in physical chemistry and biology, but after the barrage of exams and resulting marks, I’m thinking differently. 

I’m not exaggerating when I say that I think I failed one or two courses, and that 60’s would be a blessing for the rest.

Study harder? I probably could have, but the fact remains that I do not like what I am studying. And I have no idea how I can change a career direction at this point. More importantly, I don’t know what direction to turn to, because I’ve been so focused and set on science that I haven’t explored other choices at all. 

So uhm. tl;dr, I have to choose my majors by May 15, and I have no clue what to do. Having a slight panic attack amongst other issues. I’m scared about the future and I really wish I could turn back time. I guess I’m still too childish at heart for my own good. OTL